So I haven’t failed completely- I managed to cut my smoking by more than half (two packs a day down to less than one), and I haven’t killed anyone. I guess that’s a big plus. I am extremely bummed that it is this hard and that I haven’t won yet. I do have to be smoke free (100%) by my appointment at the bariatric center and by God I will be! My triggers are apparently bickering kids, coffee, meals, and family wars. My Fidget Cube that I ordered hasn’t come yet and neither has my Fitbit, hopefully they are here by the weekend. I fully believe that will help, as will the 144 pack case of popcorn that I got at Costco. Low-fat and low carb snackage that will occupy my hands and mouth. One can dream right?!
On another note I completed the 12 page questionnaire. honestly, although I swear the questions are designed to make you feel guilt. Things like – “Do you cook with butter? Oil? Cream? Salt? Sauces?” or “Do you bake? Broil? Fry?”. Not once did they ask if I cook with fresh vegetables or whole grains or healthy beans! Damn! YES, I do occasionally cook with butter or cream or salt or sauce! How do YOU cook?! They didn’t ask if I use spices most of the time or half of the time. YES, I bake, broil, fry, saute, and boil foods! I like COOKED food! Do I deep fry in oil? No, I have non-stick Wok and use only sesame or cottonseed oil at a minimum.They didn’t ask that. Can you tell I’m feeling horribly guilty and getting defensive to cover my guilt? I already feel like a disgusting blowtoad because I’m fat. I avoid mirrors like the plague, now I feel horrible and undeserving of such a life changing surgery. I just want to crawl back in my hole. I’m feeling worse by the moment. Amazing how blogging that one paragraph put me back in a bad funk.
Depression is a bitch, and being overweight with a poor self image can magnify it so much. I’ve lost things, given up things, can’t do certain things anymore due to my weight and the health problems obesity causes. I can’t walk far anymore, hell I can’t quite make the ten minute mark anymore. I can’t stand more than five minutes – I now have degenerative discs in my spine and I do have bone spurs and arthritis, but losing weight could get rid of a lot of pain. I could do so much more if I could just get a jump on things!
I’m cooking again from scratch, finally. Using healthy ingredients (mostly). I’m writing again, I’ve missed it so much. I’m reading again, I’ve always been a reader – even as a kid. All I ever wanted for birthdays and Christmas were books. I’m trying to beat this depression and this weight and everything it has robbed me of.
The little things…I need to remember the little things…so here is a story, maybe it will help you remember the little things too-
It was a long time ago, eighteen years this month, we were broke and I was pregnant and things were pretty bleak. I was working as a waitress and my Husband was laid off, my youngest at the time was ten so it had been a long time since I had a baby and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. No, that’s an outright lie, I was terrified! I was worried about the things we needed, I was worried that I wouldn’t remember how to handle a tiny little baby. I laid awake at night, constant thoughts going through my mind about how will I bathe such a small and fragile child? what if I don’t remember how? how will we afford diapers and things while I’m out of work? what if the C-section is worse because I’m so much older? how will I clip it’s tiny nails? What if I cut too far? All these thoughts were unspoken, only God knew my fears and doubts – I told no one, not even my Husband. I’d already had two kids, but it was so long ago when I was so young and my grandmother was no longer around to help. I didn’t want him to know i doubted myself. Late one evening there was a knock on the door, I opened it to find a woman I had never seen before (or since) and she had seven or eight bags with her. She said she was from a church and that they wanted to bless us. I asked who had sent her and she just smiled and asked for help getting the bags in the door, then wished us well and said goodbye. It was the strangest thing! We hadn’t asked for help, we didn’t go to church and we were very confused. I started going through the bags and found almost 6 months worth of diapers in various sizes, little bath sets, onesies, and bottles. We just stared at each other in amazement. I got to the very bottom of the very last bag and I found my answer. There in the bottom lay a tiny set of nail clippers, specially made for infants. Only God knew my specific fear. I cried and cried, I had really really needed that confirmation.That little pair of nail clippers was just for me, so I would know He was looking out for me. It’s the little things, the small miracles, the ones so often overlooked that tell us we are not alone I am not alone! I still have them on a silver chain in my purse, eighteen years later… I pull them out every so often to remind myself about the little things so I don’t give up and I don’t lose hope. All my kids have heard the story, more than once and sometimes I still cry… by the way, just so you know, I even called the kids school to see if they had something to do with it – they didn’t…
Today was a day I needed to pull them out and remind myself that I am not alone. I am NOT alone! I matter! GOD SAID SO!