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It’s been forever…I’m Still Here!

I am amazed by how long its been since I’ve written, I’m so ashamed.

I’ve lost weight, gained weight, and lost it again…the only good thing is I have never gone above my original weight. I’m sticking to my calorie intake numbers, but am not always making great choices. Sometimes my proteins are low and my fats high…

I’ve gained a beautiful grandson since I’ve last written…he is healthy and chubby and perfect. He is seven weeks old, so now you know what I’ve been busy with.  I am watching him 3-5 days a week since my daughter and her fiance’s shifts tend to overlap.

baby gray

I’m in school 4 days a week, and trying to hook up with my parents at least 2 days a week- sometimes that doesn’t work out. We usually do a Sunday meal and at least one weekday get together (hopefully at the gym) We had brunch last week- veggies and egg scramble. Just saute and add egg beaters…great use of asparagus, onion and mushrooms. I added a little feta to the eggs. Egg Beaters are a great choice with less fat and less cholesterol.

sunday morning eggs

Any days I have to myself I tend to spend cooking and/or running around, unless I’m driving the local Amish to pay my hay bill since my animals never stop eating.

I’m still in ‘therapy’ to satisfy the shrink the bariatric doctor made me see, that is like ripping a wound open on a regular basis. She always manages to tap a nerve…I swear she’s gonna have me committed one of these days. I cry like a little bitch all the time. Stupid emotions!

I wish I had more time to go to the gym, I just seem to always be short when it comes to squeezing everything in.

I’ve spent some serious money on protein drinks and some are good while others are just plain terrible. I’m trying to refine my options before I’m locked in to liquid only diet.

Spring is NOT starting out well as we’ve found numerous holes in the pool liner which doesn’t bode well for my wallet this summer. Lots of repairs need to be done. Yesterday was 77 degrees, so I foolishly thought today would be nice to work in the yard- its freezing out. Dammit. I’d have done it yesterday but I had a 9 year old, a 6 year old, two 4 year old boys and an infant- sooooo, I was somewhat busy and could not get out in the yard. However we had a great day and they enjoyed each other and I in turn enjoyed them.

kids weekend

My newest goal is to organize my time and make better use of it. With all the things I’m juggling I need to find a way to cram it all in and still get good grades at school.  I may have possibly missed a few classes over the last two weeks and I know I did horribly on an exam. Hopefully it’s still early enough to fix. I aced the last one so one failure shouldn’t define me. I probably got a C or a D so overall I’ll have a B or a high C….which a great paper should redeem.

I’m getting impatient about the surgery, whether or not the therapist will ‘pass’ me, when I  can get it over with. When I can get some of this daggone weight off!!!!  So I can move better and walk better and function again!!!!

I’m kind of scared, worrying about complications….like blood clots and stuff. I just want to fast forward and get on with it.

I still want to smoke. Everyday. But I don’t and I won’t. Smoking is NOT going to take the opportunity of a future from me.

Time. Time is my biggest enemy. Or the lack thereof. Easy food is the bane of my existence. Take out is so convenient after being on the road all day, or babysitting. Yes, I juggle the calories, but fatty food is still fatty food. And spending calories on dumb choices can mean that you end up going to bed hungry. Which sucks.  Protein shakes are your friend, they can bring up the protein numbers and save the day with very few calories. However, cooking healthy food is ALWAYS the better choice. Also lite cheese sticks (50 calories) and low cal meat like hard salami are a quick way to get rid of hunger pangs! Bagel thins (110 calories) with low fat flavored cream cheese is also a good option!

Next week I am going to practice substituting non fat powder milk with chicken broth for heavy cream in a sun-dried tomato and garlic sauce with chicken. I made it this week with the cream and a chicken broth/corn starch rue to stretch said cream. I used my Ninja to chop (pulse) the sun dried tomatoes and garlic, I shredded rotisserie chicken (to cheat time) and threw a chunk of Parmesan Reggiano into the Ninja as well until it was thoroughly grated and added it to the bubbling cream mixture. You can also add baby leaf spinach to the sauce which is an awesome upgrade. I was thinking I could maybe make those cauliflower crusts everyone is always talking about and make a pizza with the sauce instead of using pasta….less carbs!!!

sun dried tomato sauce

 

So- it’s been a while

Be blessed, move forward, tomorrow is a new day!

I apologize for my absence, I hope you’ve liked the posts I’ve made from other authors that I found relevant.

It has been a crazy ride so far, I have seen the cardiologist, the pulmonary doctor, the psychiatrist, and the endocrine doctor. All have given approval except the Psych, and I have started therapy. I also have decided that even though I felt like this particular psych was a prick, he was right about me not dealing with the trauma of the suicide and my self-esteem issues. Fortunately I like my new therapist, and am wondering why I didn’t do this sooner.

I have steadily been going to the local Y (my gym) and can go for a entire hour without pain or bad fatigue. I am getting stronger every day. I was able to go to my favorite horse rescue yesterday and stay on my feet for a change. I think I needed to see them more than they needed to see me!

I have lost over 9 and a half pounds since December, as of last Tuesday ( I really need to get a scale for home use). I am still smoke free and passed my urine test. I had my first group meeting at the bariatric center last Tuesday. A lot of support and a lot of information was gained. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app on my phone, which syncs with my FitBit and tracks all nutrition, steps, exercise, calories, fat, and carbs for me. IT IS AWESOME!

I discovered riced cauliflower!!! I’ve been making stir fry with veggies and chicken while using the cauliflower in place of rice. (See photo above for finished product) I dump these veggie-blog3veggie-blog6

in and Viola!

It’s only like 217 calories per bowl  made with shredded roast chicken, a bunch of sliced mushrooms, 1 TBS Hoisin sauce, 2 TBS soy sauce, 2 TBS teriyaki sauce with sesame seeds, 2 cups of spinach,and a quarter cup of chicken stock to help soften the veggies. I cook mine in a wok, but any frying pan will do!

Also I have made a cold tortellini, baked chicken(shredded), feta cheese, and spinach salad (with a little shredded kale and cabbage in it) topped with Greek salad dressing. It only has 220 calories in it.veggie-blog1

On another note-  I was viciously attacked on social media the other night, it had to do with a parental responsibility issue. A family member of the parent in question felt the need to attack me for being fat, stupid, alone, etc. Comments like “Whats the matter? did  you miss your Fitness all you can eat cheeseburger and fries class?” That perhaps I’m alone because I’m ugly, fat and stupid. “You’re a piece of trash fat bitch” and “you’re such a fat-ass”. I tried to remain calm, and completely resisted the urge to name call and body shame back. But the truth is I cried, all night. You see, I learned a long time ago that there are some things you never say, even in the heat of argument, because once said- words can never be unheard. I say all this to tell you, I know how hurtful people can be. I know how painful harsh words about our bodies or our past mistakes can be. I have seen how cruel some people are. Never give up on yourself, never give in. You are valuable, you have worth. You can change, whether it is your body or your life or your situation. Do NOT sink to the level of the type of person that takes pleasure in causing pain. Rise up! Show that you are better, stronger, and more honorable.My past was thrown up at me, which actually didn’t upset me like she though it would, which is probably why the name calling and body shaming escalated so much. I stayed strong about that because I know who I am, I know where I’ve been, and I’m usually pretty open about my past. So here is my past, if you have questions feel free to ask. It is what it is, and I am constantly moving forward.

In case anyone doesn’t know
For the record- I smoked crack for two years … I’ve been clean almost nineteen years…. I’m an Honor Student that has won five scholarships for academic work, professional bearing, and volunteer service….. I’ve been an asshole, I neglected my kids while I was high, I chased men to fill a gap in my self esteem, and I’ve recovered. I’ve reconciled with my family and my God. I’m a better mother, a better person, a better daughter because of where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. I’ve dedicated countless years to volunteer and humanitarian service. I’ve spoken at recovery groups, women’s groups, and churches. I am not afraid of who I’ve been or the path I’ve walked. I’ve faced death over and over and I believe God has a purpose for me, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I am a work in progress
Just so you know…

blog

Be blessed, move forward, tomorrow is a new day!

If you like what I’ve written please like or comment! It’s nice to know I’ve been read! If you have questions on recovery, suicide, depression, or healthy choices please feel free to ask.

I so need to do this!!! this is someone else’s blog that I thought I’d share

It may be premature, but last night, I requested samples for protein shakes from a few different bariatric shake companies. I’ve been reading a lot about other people who are in the liquid only phase of their pre-op diets or are in the shake phase of their post-op diet and it made me really curious […]

via Bariatric Shakes — weightywonder