I cried. I got back up. I got this!

 

IMG_20170701_191934You know what? I got this! I track my steps. I track my food. I started out in a wheelchair half the time, now I’m mobile and don’t even use the handicap cap cart to shop anymore for the last five weeks. Today, I got myself up off the floor without help. ( Yes, I fell). For me, that was major. Three weeks ago I was able to take a shower without the shower chair for the first time in almost two years. And I haven’t even had the surgery yet, this has been the toughest, yet most rewarding six month prep. I can breathe, I can walk and I am ready for a new life! I can walk the pasture, play with the critters, swim with the grandkids. I got in the ocean for the first time in two years! I’m gonna do this! I decided to be brave, and post a picture. There you go. The fat me, soon to be the old me!

It’s not easy, this pre surgery liquid thing is getting old real quick, but I got this.

All the hoops, all the requirement, all the mental victories, all the new recipes… It had been worth it. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. This is it! I’m ready.

Monday the 3rd is my day. 8:45 I report to the hospital. It has been a helluva ride. This morning I was so ready to be done. I’m so tired of broth. But I have come way to far to do something stupid now.

I’m not gonna lie, the last few months have been busy. I’ve had grandkids here days at a time. M is working doubles all the time so I’ve had B and R here quite. a bit. My JD is thirteen, and grandchild B is nine and half, so they bicker back and forth. Little R is so full of life and energy starting at six AM, thank God for the pool – it keeps them busy and gives me exercise.

 

My mother has been in a bit of downward spiral since Christmas. I have to laugh, otherwise I’d cry. Sometimes it is hilarious, sad, but hilarious. For instance – So, Mom, we went to BJ’s Tuesday after a very long appt with my surgeon (which I had to repeatedly convince her the appt was for me not her), halfway through BJ’s parking lot mom’s slip completely dropped down around her ankles, practically causing her to fall. I tried to discretely take the slip and stuff it into my bag to which she shrilly replied that it came off her and was darn well going back on her. She proceeded to pull her skirt up around her waist as a car parked right next to us, and struggle with the damn slip. I begged her not to make a spectacle and she yelled at me, asking me ” do you really think they haven’t seen a woman in a slip before!!??”. I died a thousand deaths, dad just helplessly shrugged and laughed. Seriously nobody needed to see all that. She just didn’t give a shit. New Mom 2.0 and I’m not so sure it’s the better version, but it’s definitely the funnier one.
Oh, and I lost three more pounds this week…

And then there is this – When mom graduates to eating between 600-800 calories worth of pastries and cookies at a single sitting and your trying desperately to keep her from buying tons of baked goods from BJ’s ( the only things she wanted to get from BJ’s, not one other food in the cart)
She kept putting them in, and I kept sneaking them out… She finally turns around and snaps “at least I’m not the one with the big belly!”.
I got nothing…
I’m over here drinking chicken broth…
She made it out of the store with one huge cake. Which she then proceeded to yell at dad for buying an hour later.
I’m still over here with my chicken broth and protein shake…

My week in a nutshell. I love her too death and someday will look back and be so glad I preserved these stories.

My Dad is a saint, full of love and patience. He’s so hard on himself for being human enough to get occasionally frustrated. So devoted, so in love… Almost 52 years.

I have so many things to share, I can’t believe I let it go this long without writing!

Recipes – one of the soups I’m supposed to be on during this liquid phase was so gross, I made my own. Surgeon approved tomato bisque: I used chicken bone broth with 9g of protein, I added two cans of tomato paste, a healthy amount of garlic powder, onion powder and basil flakes, and 1/3 cup of Carnation powdered non fat milk. You can also add some low fat grated Parmesan.

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It has more than the fifteen grams of protein the nasty soup had.

I’ve also added little bits of “better than bouillon” au jus flavor paste to plain beef broth, because it helps. So does a dash of cumin, or onion powder.

You do what you got to do to get it down. Be creative. Don’t be afraid to tweak it all little or you’ll go nuts. Trust me, I was in tears this morning thinking about another cup of broth.

So, I’m gonna go drink another protein shake! Have a nice night! Be blessed!

Next time I’ll tell you all about how I found my real biological family after 49 years! The power of technology and science!

 

 

“the little things…”

It’s the little things, the small miracles, the ones so often overlooked that tell us we are not alone

So I haven’t failed completely- I managed to cut my smoking by more than half (two packs a day down to less than one), and I haven’t killed anyone. I guess that’s a big plus. I am extremely bummed that it is this hard and that I haven’t won yet. I do have to be smoke free (100%) by my appointment at the bariatric center and by God I will be! My triggers are apparently bickering kids, coffee, meals, and family wars. My Fidget Cube that I ordered hasn’t come yet and neither has my Fitbit, hopefully they are here by the weekend. I fully believe that will help, as will the 144 pack case of popcorn that I got at Costco. Low-fat and low carb snackage that will occupy my hands and mouth. One can dream right?!

On another note I completed the 12 page questionnaire. honestly, although I swear the questions are designed to make you feel guilt. Things like – “Do you cook with butter? Oil? Cream? Salt? Sauces?” or “Do you bake? Broil? Fry?”. Not once did they ask if I cook with fresh vegetables or whole grains or healthy beans! Damn! YES, I do occasionally cook with butter or cream or salt or sauce! How do YOU cook?! They didn’t ask if I use spices most of the time or half of the time. YES, I bake, broil, fry, saute, and boil foods! I like COOKED food! Do I deep fry in oil? No, I have non-stick Wok and use only sesame or cottonseed oil at a minimum.They didn’t ask that.  Can you tell I’m feeling horribly guilty and getting defensive to cover my guilt? I already feel like a disgusting blowtoad because I’m fat. I avoid mirrors like the plague, now I feel horrible and undeserving of such a life changing surgery. I just want to crawl back in my hole. I’m feeling worse by the moment. Amazing how blogging that one paragraph put me back in a bad funk.

Depression is a bitch, and being overweight with a poor self image can magnify it so much. I’ve lost things, given up things, can’t do certain things anymore due to my weight and the health problems obesity causes. I can’t walk far anymore, hell I can’t quite make the ten minute mark anymore. I can’t stand more than five minutes – I now have degenerative discs in my spine and I do have bone spurs and arthritis, but losing weight could get rid of a lot of pain. I could do so much more if I could just get a jump on things!

I’m cooking again from scratch, finally. Using healthy ingredients (mostly). I’m writing again, I’ve missed it so much. I’m reading again, I’ve always been a reader – even as a kid. All I ever wanted for birthdays and Christmas were books. I’m trying to beat this depression and this weight and everything it has robbed me of. 

The little things…I need to remember the little things…so here is a story, maybe it will help you remember the little things too-

It was a long time ago, eighteen years this month, we were broke and I was pregnant and things were pretty bleak. I was working as a waitress and my Husband was laid off, my youngest at the time was ten so it had been a long time since I had a baby and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. No, that’s an outright lie, I was terrified! I was worried about the things we needed, I was worried that I wouldn’t remember how to handle a tiny little baby. I laid awake at night, constant thoughts going through my mind about how will I bathe such a small and fragile child? what if I don’t remember how? how will we afford diapers and things while I’m out of work? what if the C-section is worse because I’m so much older? how will I clip it’s tiny nails? What if I cut too far? All these thoughts were unspoken, only God knew my fears and doubts – I told no one, not even my Husband. I’d already had two kids, but it was so long ago when I was so young and my grandmother was no longer around to help. I didn’t want him to know i doubted myself.  Late one evening there was a knock on the door, I opened it to find a woman I had never seen before (or since) and she had seven or eight bags with her. She said she was from a church and that they wanted to bless us. I asked who had sent her and she just smiled and asked for help getting the bags in the door, then wished us well and said goodbye. It was the strangest thing! We hadn’t asked for help, we didn’t go to church and we were very confused. I started going through the bags and found almost 6 months worth of diapers in various sizes, little bath sets, onesies, and bottles. We just stared at each other in amazement. I got to the very bottom of the very last bag and I found my answer. There in the bottom lay a tiny set of nail clippers, specially made for infants. Only God knew my specific fear. I cried and cried, I had really really needed that confirmation.That little pair of nail clippers was just for me, so I would know He was looking out for me. It’s the little things, the small miracles, the ones so often overlooked that tell us we are not alone  I am not alone! I still have them on a silver chain in my purse, eighteen years later… I pull them out every so often to remind myself about the little things so I don’t give up and I don’t lose hope. All my kids have heard the story, more than once and sometimes I still cry… by the way, just so you know, I even called the kids school to see if they had something to do with it – they didn’t…

Today was a day I needed to pull them out and remind myself that I am not alone. I am NOT alone! I matter! GOD SAID SO!